April 20, 2014.

The Upside of 'Marrying Down'

"Comrade! Officer!" he cried. "You don’t have to take me to that place! Haven’t I told you everything already? What else is it you want to know? There’s nothing I wouldn’t confess, nothing! Just tell me what it is and I’ll confess straight off. Write it down and I’ll sign it----anything! Not room 101!"

Today, a successful single woman who falls for a man making less money than she does or not sharing her career ambition may face not-so-subtle disapproval from friends and family. One patient of mine reported being told, "I'm surprised you haven't found someone who is more your equal." Another felt insulted when a trusted friend asked, "Are you sure you wouldn't be happier with a man who is making more money than you?"

"Room 101," said the officer.

These women were in love with solid, supportive guys who shared their values----men who weren't driven by money. They dreaded the concerned whispers from friends or family who persisted in believing that they were "marrying down."

The man looked frantically round at the other prisoners, as though with some idea that he could put another victim in his own place. His eyes settled on the smashed face of the chinless man. He flung out a lean arm.

As a couples therapist, the notion of marrying down strikes me as impossibly antiquated. It's right out of the "Downton Abbey" era, when suitable marriages were entirely a matter of matching people according to social class and fortune----hence the panic when Lord Grantham's youngest daughter marries the family's Irish chauffeur.